Date:	2005-04-11 14:34
Subject:	I Hope You Haven't Forgotten Me
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy

Well, it's me the long lost Dameca Brown. I can't even remember the last time posted on livejournal. I've tired to delete my journal but I'm too chicken. Well too update everything that's been going on would take forever so I guess I will try to do my best.

-Aug. 2004

Started 2nd year of college....took way too many classes but I did fine...go me!

-Sept. 2004

Richard, my bestfriend of 7 years left for Cali.

-Oct.- Nov. 2004
I took up cutting again
I made friends with my co-worker Geserse or Gez as I call him
Gez got his heart broken
My friend killed himself
Some dear to me passed on after years of suffering
Tired out for a bunch of shows.....didn't get into any of them
Had plans to move in with Gez

-Dec. 2004
I realized that I had feelings for Gez....which was werid cause I promised I would never feel anything for anyone after Brandon
Christmas was sad and went by too soon
I was mad asst. mananger of Cold Stone
I found out I have an oversized heart.....that can kill ya you know...

-Jan. 2005
I started working even more so, and I took even more classes then I did the semester before
I morned the two anniversary of my dad's car accident
I went out on a couple of dates, found out that I am a GREAT dancer!!!!

-Feb. 2005
I kept to myself the whole month
I cried almost everyday
I hated Valentine's Day
I wanted to die on Feb. 16 (a year after brandon and I broke up)
I didn't leave my bedroom on Feb. 21
I got into a fight with almost all my friends
I decide that I hated Cold Stone

-Mar. 2005
I started to rebuild myself from Feb.
I still had or have feelings for Gez
I started finding other guys attractive
I took up swimming again, I'm also taking Karata, and piano
I started a weight lost program
I did some foolish over spring break
I realized that secreatly I'm waiting for Brandon to come back around
Easter was fun, I really put myself infront of the Lord and became glad where I
am at in my religion

(Ooops I gotta go to class!!!! I will finish later)

My stomach hurts so much!!!!!!!

Dani is the greatest!!!!

I miss Brandon!!!

I'm sick of Cold Stone!!!!

I need sleep!!!!

I need love!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need inner peace!!!!!

I want to be happy!!!

I miss my friends!!!!

I'm up so early!!!!

I smell like waffle!!!


-This lj post, was kinda useless.....


-Much Emotion
Meca

if you haven't got a speical comment from me it's coming, I was just so tired last night I couldn't finish......

To try to update this whole summer would be unreal, it's been six months since brandon and i broke up, and I reailzed today that I'm still not over him. I feel so lame, his gotton over me (very quickly i might add) but I'm still so heart broken. More then likely I'll end up with the next guy who asks me out and even though he doesn't make me happy I'll be with him cause I'm so lonely.

I've been thinking about throwing in the towel on acting, lately i've been thinking that God is trying to tell me to knock it off....go do someting else with your life, you suck Ms. Brown, but cause I love acting and singing I can't see the truth....I'm really depressed...I wished I wasn't. I need a vacation.

-Much Emotion
Meca

Well camp was great, I made a friend in Anna. But the main reason I'm writing it's because I'm falling, I'm falling hard....and i DON'T want to, I promise I would never fall again but I....and I know he doesn't fell the same way about me.. what a shock I saw him on Sunday, sent most of Sunday with him, it was great gotta go

Well I have reached an all time low in my life, I do not think I can be any more depressed then I am right now, I can't even write anything right now, I've lost everything, and everyone that means anything to me, I'm no longer a human being......no longer.......i feel like........i don't feel

Ugh....I really had my heart sit on writing this long entry....but I'm way to tired...I got class here in a little bit...in case I don't write in here for a little while....GOOD LUCK on the show!! Much Love

-dameca...wow it's wierd seeing the da- before the meca...anyway

Everyone things I'm so stupid.....I not, I'm going to find out what the hell is happening...I'm going crazy, and I can't stop it! I can't trust anybody

Date:	2004-01-24 14:56
Subject:	I can't keep my head on
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	"Will You Miss Me When I'm Gone"

Let me start off by saying sorry...sorry to everyone I've ever hurt. By my actions and my words I have hurt so many people around me...and I'm sorry...I never realized but a horriable person I am until my own soulmate couldn't stand to be around me...oh god I'm sorry....sorry...to amanda, I know you had nothing to do with it..sorry to those I haven't kept in touch with, I'm sorry to Rachel...Brandon was your friend long before we can into each others lives...it was wrong of me to keep you guys apart..I was just jealous...I was jealous of a lot of people..Anna was one of them and even James, it's just once you have someone so wonderful in your life you don't want anything to take them away from you...ever!! I was horriable to Brandon and I don't blame him for breaking up with me...he should be with someone...less jealous, skinny, beautiful, and someone, he can "grow up with", like Noel...noel. I don't hate anybody...really I don't I just, I'm just misunderstood...but that doesn't mean anything now...I'm so sorry Brandon, if you read this I'm soo soo sorry, and I hope you find what you want, whatever you couldn't find in me....I'm sorry , I'm sorry everybody, about everything.....I love all of you that have come into my life, cause you all have showed me something new about myself...don't forget that..everyone be happy...always be happy, sometimes that's all you got to hang on to is that happiness or the hope for it....forgive me everyone....

-Dameca Angalina Nichole Sicilia Brown
July 17, 1985

I never did learn how to put up an icon...LoL....

Date:	2003-11-30 16:15
Subject:	What the....?
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	" You are The Answere" - You wouldn't know them

Well I talked to Richard yesterday, I was just talking about him, anyway that was fun. It is always nice to catch up with good friends. I'm trying to go somewhere for X-mas break but I have no idea where and no one to go with. My friend, DeDe, thought we should go to D.C. but that doesn't sound like a happening place to me. Anyway school starts up tomorrow, ugh fianls!!!!!!! I have nothing real to write about......dooodooodooo, should be doing homework.......dooododooo. I should go. Love and Luck!!

-Meca

Date:	2003-08-22 08:49
Subject:	Just One Guy
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

Cooper, I don't know you that well but I know God is with you in every way possiable!!!

I ALSO WANT TO THANK THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW AT UMN!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE (adian)Thanks!

Date:	2003-07-17 21:55
Subject:	I like Pie
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	T-U-R-T-L-E Power!!!

Thank you everyone for your kind words!!! I really needed them today...my birthday was very different this year and you guys remember my birthday made me really happy!!! Well I got a guitar for my birthday!!! It's beautiful!!! And since I sing and play piano tuning and finding chords are easy to find ....it's cause me gots good ear, or at least I like to think me do! Well Brandon made me breakfest...it was sweet, I miss him. He's going away tomorrow :( . Oh well...even though it was the day that we were suppose to spend together, Well I'm still in a kinda sad mood so I'm going to go. Once again thank you all!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Cancers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We may be moody but we rock!!! (Not back and forth, but you know what I mean)

Date:	2003-07-16 21:31
Subject:	If Happy Little Blue Brids Fly Beyond The Rainbow......Why Oh Why Can't I
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

Well I just had to worst day ever. That's why I don't get happy over Birthday...what is F$#@ing point...they just all end up like this!!!!!

Date:	2003-07-16 10:54
Subject:	Go Meca, It's Your Birthday..Go Meca It's Your Birthday
Security:	Public
Mood:	dirty

Well Thursday is my Birthday..I'm really trying to be happy about it!! But Brandon is going out of time the day after!!! Oh well I lost 10 pounds in a week in a half!!! See that's why not eating is so addicting! I've been tring to lose weight to middle school and it wasn't until I was in highschool, when I stopped eating my freshmen year...that I started to lose weight. Oh well I gotta go!!!

I NEED A BATH!!

Date:	2003-07-15 16:55
Subject:	It's hard to pick my head up from the mud
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore

Well the party went alright...I didn't get to see Nicee's and Brandon's face when they got there...it was truely sad!!! All that work and I didn't get to see there faces...oh well. I'm still looking for a job it's really sad. Well it's for sure I'm going to UNM...I'm happy...I wish sometimes I would of gone to NY..but it's my own choice!! We have soo much food left over from the party, it's becasue people said they were going to come but then they didn't so about 15 teens came when I planned for over 20..so we cooked for about 30 people but now this family of 5 has food for 500!!!! I wish people would tell me that there not coming, I dont' care that they didn't come but I sure do wish they would of told me!!! Well my Birthday is Thursday...I'm trying to be happy about it...it is my 18th Birthday but to me it's just an other day. Oh great I'm an other year old. I really need to find a job!!! Oh well I better go...I'm so tired!!


PS. Thank you all that came to the party you really made Brandon's and Nicee Birthday really specail!! I know both of them will never forget it!! From the bottom of my heart thank you. And I'll be sending Pictures.

Date:	2003-07-10 21:58
Subject:	I was on the side of the road..and the tumbleweed laughed at me
Security:	Public
Mood:	shocked

I miss hanging out with my friends but none of them ever ask me to hang out, that's my fault I guess. Anyway that's not important the party is Sunday and deep down inside I don't think it's going to turn out. People have lives...they don't have time for a dumb party...I can't do anything right. :*: sigh:*: I'm still looking for a job...it's really depressing. I've got the blues!!! Brandon is going out of town the day after my birthday...you know the day we planned on spending together!! I think that's why I am really depressed. I really am a normally happy person...I mean I'm no Richard Simmons but I'm still happy. I'm trying not to let little things let me down.


A friend of mine is getting married and they want me to sing. I hate weddings...it's only cause I can't have one. What's the point of have a soulmate if you can't marry them? I love Brandon and everyone and there bother knows that..if they don't they are a fool. I will be 18 soon and I'm ready to go on to that next stage in life....whatever that might be. Brandon asked me to marry him in Decmeber...his mom didn't find out till March. Brandon and I started sleeping together in Novermber...no one knew that. I'm not he has to shout out our buisness to the world but it would be nice if he didn't act like I was some dark secert he had to keep.

I'm sleeping walking again...and it's getting bad. I have to put chairs by my door to keep me in my room. The other I walked out into the middle of the street...it was the hand of God that my dad was the car that came upon me. My parnets want me to "see someone" about this...they think I'm crazy. My dad said..."first her eating, then the cuting....now she's fucked up her sleeping...that child can't do anything right. Why can't she be more like Nicee? That girl is so needy...I mean she can't even date someone her own age. Something tells me this Brandon guy is going to come to his senses and dump Meca and then we're going to be stuck with her!" Of course he thought I was still out running but I heard...I heard it all.

Date:	2003-07-08 22:30
Subject:	"Bum For Sale"
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable
Music:	Living and Gaving and Digging the Skin His In

I feel like Blah... but it she brandon's birthday tomorrow. He and I wanted to spend it alone very romantic...breakfast in bed...then stay in bed "if you know what I mean" :*:wink, wink, PG13:*:..just kidding. But I wanted to just spend the day with him but I can't because of his mother. I'm so sick of that women thinking I'm going to take her "little boy" to the ghetto, shot him up with some drugs and then pulled down his pants and rape him...and after that get him to join a gang!


I love being with Brandon he makes me giggle like a girl!! Teehehe! But really when we're "together, together" I feel like I have a place in this world..like I matter. I don't have any family, personal, job, and relationship problems when we are together...and I love it. I am shy.... I know it's hard to believe but I am...and I feel better when I am around him. I feel pretty...dare I say sexy? I don't know...I just don't want his mom...THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WESTSIDE... to keep us apart.

I hate being jobless, I hate being home...I have to find a job to get a car...to get more money, to get an apartment so I can get away from my parnets. Everything I do is wrong, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!! It's like what do you want with me???? I don't drink, or do drugs...I've never stayed out like pass 10:30...no nevermind the "senior party" yeah there were teachers everywhere!!! I feel trapped...I just feel like I'm not doing anything...anything.


I didn't eat again today...that's three days...ummmmm food. I don't know...everytime I see food I feel guilt...like I've done something wrong. I look at myself in the mirror and think it's a crime to be this overweight! I'm afarid of eating cause I might throw it up but if I don't eat I get hunger and want to stuff my face!! I hate food so much now...I just hate it...why is cheesecake my kryptonite? I mean for real...I saved my brother from a burning build...been in several fights and won..but I see a burger....I melt. Oh well enough of me bitching and having a pitty party for one, I've got a party to plan for it!!!

I'm trying to be the happy Meca that everyone knows and loves...but it's getting hard everyday and I don't wanna bring down someone with me

Date:	2003-07-07 20:21
Subject:	Born on the 17th
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

Well this party is taking so much out of me...I'm so tired...I just want everything to be perfect. Anyway.. I'm still looking for work...as long as I keep myself busy I think I'll be alright.

I love Shel:

GOT STONED & MISSED IT

I was sitting in my basement.
I just rolled myself a taste
Of something green and gold and glorious
To get me through the day.
Then my friend yelled through the transom
"Grab your coat and get your hat son,
There's a nut down on the corner,
Givin' dollar bills away"

But I laid around a bit
Then I had another hit.
Then I rolled myself a bauma.
Then I thought about my mama.
Then I fooled around, played around
jacked around a while and then

I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.

It took seven months of urgin'
Just to get that local virgin
With the sweet face
Up to my place
To fool around a bit.
Next day she woke up rosy,
And she snuggled up so cozy.
When she asked me how I liked it,
Lord it hurts me to admit,

I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.

I'm makin' no excuses
For the many things I uses
Just to sweeten up my relationships
And brighten up my day.
When my earthly race is over
And I'm ready for the clover
And they ask me how my life has been
I guess I'll have to say,

I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.



I've never got high or really drank and sometimes I think maybe I'm missing out...I need to let loose and live a litte. But I guess if I got into those kinda of things I wouldn't be me, would I. Shel Silverstein is a great poet...to bad all he'll ever be know for will be "Where the side walk Ends".

Date:	2003-07-07 09:14
Subject:	I hate Grass...To bad it's brown like me
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	" Paint the White House Black" - George Cilton

Wow....there's soo much to do for this damn party but that's ok. I can't wait until I see the look on Brandon's and Nicee's face!!! Brandon and I have grown so close to one an other. I know a lot of people kind of pock fun at us because we were "sickly cute". I will be the first to tell you that yeah we are too cute but now it's gone from cute to...I don't know. We're in love and it's a good feeling. I really don't have any huge complaints about or relationship...maybe the age thing... but we're getting over that. I also love my little sister so this is going to be great!! Plesea the people I sent invites to respond ASAP!!!! Well I GOTTA GO

PS: oh yeah did I mention was "laid off", it sucked so bad..I worked at this day care and I was happy but one day this man (who I've never seen before)comes in to pick up his child looks at me and then looks at my boss and tell her
" I didn't know a N*@$R (I don't like even typing that word) was taking care of my child...I want her gone!!"
He said that right in front of me...and the worse part he gives a lot of money to the daycare center..so it was me...or....him...so.....I was "let go". That's ok, I tried to quit but like I said I was laid off...SO IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY JOBS OUT THERE..I'D GLADLY LIKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS. I hate being black sometimes...well brown anyway, hahaha!